IS IT TOO LATE?

i give up

should it bother me this much??

Apparently because i have a sex-life outside of my own bedroom I'm a prostitute!!! WOW!!! what else can i say? i think that if i was called a "ho" or a slut i would not be as offended as i was. to me there would be less of a negative connotation (although some may argue that those mean the same as prostitute). OK maybe this person didn't exactly say the words "you're a prostitute" but when i asked the question "r u calling me a prostitute?" the response was "yea, it's the second time...because you go for your walks". Again i say WOW!!!

i will never claim to be the most tactful person. However i try to choose my words carefully especially with people i care about. sometimes if i recognize that i have said something to offend such a person i am quick to apologize.

i share things about myself with people who i believe won't judge me. apparent i have misjudged someone into that category.

i would like to put it out there that i am not a hooker or prostitute just because i would prefer to go to my sexual partner's house rather than have him come to mine. i resent the fact that this person felt that it was appropriate to refer to me as such.

unfortunately you will never be the same in my eyes. that level of trust that took so long to develop has vanished...oh well...just another disappointment i supposed. in all honesty i should be used to those by now.

Still i question whether this should bother me this much. regardless of whether it should or shouldn't the fact remains that it does.

Cigarettes and Me

I have held my ground with regards to my choice to smoke. My friends and family have been trying to get me to quit for a long time. The other day someone asked me how long I have been a smoker and I was embarrassed to realize that i have been smoking for 9 years...9 fucking years. Usually the question is "how old were you when you started smoking". That was usually an easy question to answer. I would simply say that i was 17 when i started. But having to actually think about how many years that actually is. DAMN!!! As much as I enjoy smoking and how much i have become dependent on it, I have made the decision to quit. Posting this here may not make sense when I say that this is a personal decision, it is a personal process. As much as I would appreciate support from everyone, it is my choice and my process. No judgments when I slip up (I know I will). Be patient with me when I become irritable. I ask and thank you all for your support.

Regrets

The other day I shared something with a friend that i had never shared before. it is not so much that i regret sharing with her is just that i regret that some big part of who i am is somewhere out there. what i shared is something that has definitely shaped me into who i am today. i regret the fact that i had not kept that part of me to myself. i regret that i can no longer be in denial about it. i regret that it is still so much a part of me that i am still thinking and now talking about it. i regret the fact that i am not alone in this.

questions

i question y i have this blog when really i have nothing worth saying...i don't really believe in anyhting and i don't really want to share my thoughts on what ever little knowledge i may actually have

Who You Calling a Bitch???

Uh, U.N.I.T.Y., U.N.I.T.Y. that's a unity
U.N.I.T.Y., love a black man from infinity to infinity
(Who you calling a bitch?)
U.N.I.T.Y., U.N.I.T.Y. that's a unity (You gotta let him know)
(You go, come on here we go)
U.N.I.T.Y., Love a black woman from (You got to let him know)
infinity to infinity (You ain't a bitch or a ho)
U.N.I.T.Y., U.N.I.T.Y. that's a unity (You gotta let him know)
(You go, come on here we go)
U.N.I.T.Y., Love a black man from (You got to let him know)
infinity to infinity (You ain't a bitch or a ho) Instinct leads me to another flow
Every time I hear a brother call a girl a bitch or a ho
Trying to make a sister feel low
You know all of that gots to go
Now everybody knows there's exceptions to this rule
Now don't be getting mad, when we playing, it's cool
But don't you be calling out my name
I bring wrath to those who disrespect me like a dame
That's why I'm talking, one day I was walking down the block
I had my cutoff shorts on right cause it was crazy hot
I walked past these dudes when they passed me
One of 'em felt my booty, he was nasty
I turned around red, somebody was catching the wrath
Then the little one said (Yeah me bitch) and laughed
Since he was with his boys he tried to break fly
Huh, I punched him dead in his eye and said "Who you calling a bitch?"

~~ Queen Latifah “U.N.I.T.Y”~~

All the time in the world

All the time in the world so I sit and I think

How easy it would be for this ship to sink

I think of the struggle to get where I am

And the only word to come outta my mouth was, DAMN!

How did this happen? How'd I get my shit together?

Especially after being so many years without a mother

Let’s not even get started on my father

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother

Now that I mention is that's where the problem is

That man never knew how to handle his bizz

He once said he never wanted me

I need someone to tell me

How could that be?

I know that I'm grown now but that shit still hurts

I need a reason for why I'm made to feel like dirt

I know it's not me

It couldn't be me

He just didn't know how to deal with responsibility

You think that it hurts me

HELL YEA IT HURTS ME!!!!!!

Who the fuck is he to tell me that I should not be?

I vow never to make the same mistakes that he made

Heaven knows he’ll need me someday

All the time in the world so I sit and I think

I’m glad that I finally have the courage to get it down in this blue ink

In Flames

I suppose that before I say anything I should introduce myself...

At the age of six I learned that life is irrational and nothing has meaning. At the age of eleven I discovered that there are truly evil people in the world. At the age of twelve I realized that there are more evil people in my life than I could have ever imagined. At the age of eighteen I experienced what it was like to go down in flames and cynicism became my way of life. When I was twenty I found inspiration in a mythical bird. The phoenix brought me hope. I rose from the ashes of my former self and found meaning in life. Without saying much at all this is me.